Packing Up....

the last has arrived. it has become clear and shining it's uncertainty. time has been limited.

i'm packing up. that simple.

18 days is what is left and not to forget. 4 xams left.
for the first time this year i am truely happy. this year or more the last few months have been unhappy days. but somewhere i found a piece of joy. my own piece.

the room looks craapy but actually quite serine. it feels peaceful. i had to start to shed the place last night. i was going to make this a process. i was giving enough time for grief. when (( )) asked why... i wasn't telling. this was my thing.

here is something to ask... i it fair to be mad at someone who has apologized, but the damage was done... is it fair?

out the bed with the wrong foot...out the door with the right foot.

you stand in front of the mirror and want to scream. you want to scream at the pain. you want to scream at the anger. you want quit. you want end all that is wrong at that moment.

you woke up with a maddening shround. you wake up shaking with amounts of adrenaline that your tiny body cannot contain.

your wrong foot is out to ruin your day.

but somewhere in the blitz of your fists and the shouts and pulls of people. you end up staring at your cause. you are close to being murderous. but somewhere. deep deep deep, hidden and slowing revealing comes a word.
who.
next a new word formed in my head and rumbled out my whisper.
is.
fumbling at something to come.
determining.
forcing greatness to reveal i heard myself saying...
who is determining your happiness.? it wasn't some fancy, life changing, fluffy quote.
it was declaration. it was a moment. it was a concious decision. it was a second and fleeting moment, where you decide something deep within you!

i decided that i was the only one responsible for my happiness, i was fully implied to my own happiness. so many time you bent yourself to fit yourself. i decided i would choose.

after a post-it moment. after a sinking in moment. i got dressed. i picked up my bag.
my hand touched the handle.
the wrong foot hit the other side... (and that's the thing with me) the right foot stepped towards happiness.

i am happy in the weakest of moments.

Love*

Burning Bridges

piccsy

so when you leave somewhere... how do you go about doing it?
do you greet like you're going on a long holiday... do you greet the way, you know for certain what may ahead... do you wave good-bye, do you say good-luck, do you just walk away.

I'm leaving collage and i'm burning bridges. I am walking away from frienships that are "wasting time". I have currently 3 friend, 2 men and 1 girl. And strangely i am not alone, i don't feel lonely.

 i am not good with good-byes, i can't keep friendships from afar, well i can, it's just that i don't know how. so my way is... burning bridges. cutting people away. stopping. because i feel there is no cause. i feel no effort. i believe i HAVE the ability to build new bridges. i don't do in one place. i move.

i'm still figuring this crazy heart.

without realizing it, somewhere deep down, hidden in a dark spot. a decision was made. i had an option and i chose it. i chose.. to stop hanging around, waiting. i stopped pushing for a connections. and i took my gift of choice and made it my own. i did not make the choice to hurt people, i did not make the decision for the appreciation of others. i made the choice for myself.

i stopped dancing for the appreciation for people. i stopped with social events, preformed as friendships. i started the quest for real and honest. yes, i would like to have them again. but this isn't me. i am not for plantonic. you have for real, you have me as loyal. you have Me. but you can'T have me in parts. you can't have me on a schedule, you can't have me when it suits you. and so.. i took my all and i started a journey.

it was difficult before, it was silent, it was harsh. but there is a stillness in my heart. there is a sense of peace within me. i thank my Lord for the few i have. and i hold those few dear to my heart. i say thank you for them and i am truely happy for the few. i still care for the one's that i had to leave behind. i still love them and they are good people. they are kind, they are to have and to hold. but our time together was well spent and had was asked to end.

yeah, there are days that i hate myself, there are days that i doubt myself. yeah there are the days that i believe i'm making the biggest mistake in my life. there are the days that don't understand myself and and my reasoning.

i wish greatness upon them...

Love*